It’s Half-Term at the SKLW Academy of FPL Arts, and as the elite students get ready for the school trip, there were mutterings at the Parents’ evening about dodgy equipment; homework being copied; and poor attendance. The sudden disappearance of the School Prefects, who were last seen being wrapped up in cotton wool, was also noted; and Professor Pep continues to speak in tongues. Ofsted Inspectors decided that the only way forward was to put the Academy on special measures, and in the meantime we’re all furloughed. I’m assured that normal servers will be restored by Christmas, but in the meantime, here’s the report card for Matchday 13.
RESULTS – JULES LEAGUE
QATAR HEROES 2-2 RUUD, WHERE’S MY KAHN
The Qatars were looking to maintain their heroic recent form, and left nothing to chance in the H2Hs where FPL Unlucky and @Mad4FPL both notched, and qprcaribbean (68 pts) had little to do between the sticks; but the Kahns picked up a gear in the Squad match, with David Strøm (58 pts) and FF Joel (54 pts) doing enough to restore parity.
SHEIKH’S DAYLIGHT ‘RIBERY’ 0-2 NOT THAT EASY FERGUSO
The Sheikhs declared Martial Law, but it wasn’t that easy and the low-flying Fergusos snaffled the points. Yoga Febriano kept the Sheikhs at bay in goal, and Szczecińskie Marzałkowska is still writing autographs after scoring in the H2Hs; but victory was sealed in the Squad match, with Muhammad Nur Halim (67 pts) and @farrnlfc (62 pts) leading the way. Trust John (68 pts) was as reliable as ever in a losing cause.
SHEIKH, BLATTER AND RAUL 1-2 KHAN YOU FEEL THE LÖW TONIGHT?
What is about Kahns in the desert this week? Despite no win in six, the Löws came into the match with a Khan do attitude, and their strikers set the tone with Abhishek Hota and Skipper Narcos (61 pts) hitting the net, while St Pauli Walnuts’ unfeasibly large stones were more than a match for anything the Shaking Sheikhs could come up with. The home team did stir things up in the Squad match, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Löws leaving on a high.
MURDER ON ZIDANE’S FLOOR 1-0 HAND OF ZOFF
It was another busy night for the CSI crew, but the Zidanes wore gloves and made a clean getaway with the points. Blue Lion (59 pts) and Ninja_fpl kept it clean in the H2Hs, but the deed was done in the Squad match, where What’s the Mata (69 pts) did his best to look innocent, while the Zoffs searched in vain to make up the deficit. Hopefully they won’t blame Fpl Lost (67 pts).
SILENCE OF THE LAHMS 0-3 KING OTTO’S GRECIANS
It was Lahms to the slaughter in the Kleftiko derby, with the King Ottos adding to their growing empire. It was an economic use of resources by the Grecians in the H2Hs, with strikers Alfie and Alastair Cowper, and Fabio Borges in goal, doing just enough to secure a two-goal lead, whilst leaving enough firepower to prevail in the Squad match. They could even afford the gamble of leaving FPL ROULETTE’s 77 points on the bench. As for the Lahms, notwithstanding Knox (59 pts), they did go quietly.
NETO THAT HAULAND 4-0 MARADONNA KEBAB
The Netos haven’t been hauling lately, but they ran into a Maradonna team in equally poor shape, and took full advantage. Zikry (62 pts) struck early in the H2Hs, and FPL_Pup showed he’d picked up a trick or two between the sticks; but the real fun was in the Squad match, where DonieFPL (66 pts) was first in line for seconds. The limelight beckons again for the Netos, but it’s back to tinned corned beef for the Maradonnas.
FABIO CANNAVARIANCE 1-3 PETR CECH YOURSELF
The Cechs checked a run of three successive losses with an unlikely victory over the Fabios. It went with the form book in the H2Hs, with Hedgehog_FPL demonstrating the attributes needed to repel boarders, and UkendtPerson45 opening the scoring; and the Fabios had the differentials to make it a slam dunk in the Squad match … that is until we saw how he tackles in the Box. The Cechs resisted the temptations of the Brighton defence, and Salah, and were rewarded for keeping faith with Foden, as they exploded for three goals and a well-earned victory, with @fpl_timmy (65 pts) emerging as the poster boy.
KLOSE THAN EVER 1-2 FONTAINE OF KNOWLEDGE
Knowledge prevailed in the battle mid-table obscurity but as predicted, it was close. FPL GOAT and FPL Noise shared the bragging rights in the H2Hs with a goal apiece, but it was the Fontaines who closed in on victory in the Squad match thanks to scholarly returns from Moore FPL and Tbrees (both 62 pts).
CAMEROON DIAZ 3-1 A. WENGER’S ENDGAME
The Cameroons maintained their recent A-list form to put an end to the Wengers hopes of pre-Christmas glory. Spatburgunder led by example with a goal in the H2Hs, and Step Rovers followed suit. VardyBoys, who clearly hadn’t read the script, pulled one back, but the Cameroons had the extras in the Squad match, with Aari (60 pts) getting top billing in an award-winning performance.
SWEET 2FA 2-2 IT’S A WONDERFUL CRUYFF
A point apiece wasn’t that sweet for either side in this relegation six-pointer, but it’s better than FA. It was a wonder the Cruyffs managed that when their strikers were shut out by FPL_doomed, and then fell behind to goals from FPL Side Net and FPL Planner; but they turned it round in the Squad match with FPL Family Sam (59 pts) rallying the Community to ensure that there would be some Christmas cheer.
NO KOEMAN NO CRY 2-3 NEYMAR-LESS ONES
The absent-friends derby ultimately went with the form book but the Koeman had their chances, and almost achieved a happy ending. Dannymorata got things going in the H2Hs, and Tim (71 pts) was top weeper in the Squad match, but two goals was never going to be enough with heartbreakers like FPL Hanna and Bobby Love (71 pts) around; and with the points secured, the Neymar-less kept their berth at the cool kids’ table.
I GERT MÜLLER A PINT 4-1 CAFU GOOD MEN
It was happy hour as the thirsty Müllers gave Cafu Good Men a hangover for the second week running. FF_Thinker (65 pts) got the tab started with a double in the H2Hs, and the Steiners were flowing in the Beer Hall with Billy Bremner (65 pts), and FPL Analyst (62 pts) leading the revelry. This was no place for decent folk, and the Cafus slimpsed away with only a single shot from FPLGreenArrow to show for their efforts. Still top of the league though.
JULES LEAGUE TABLE
Cafu Good Men still have daylight at the top with a four-point lead over Neto that Hauland and The Neymar-less Ones; with the beer swilling Müllers and Ruud, Where’s My Kahn a further two points back. One point wasn’t enough for It’s a Wonderful Cruyff to climb out of the cellar, but they still have Maradonna Kebab and Sweet 2FA in their sights.
RESULTS – RIMET LEAGUE
VUVU ZIZOU 0-3 ONE TCHOUAMENI
The Vuvu Zizous continued to make the noise, but it was One Tchouameni who delivered the goods in a one-sided match. Lateriser provided some cheer for the home team with a clean sheet in the H2Hs; but that was matched by Mat Gilbert (64 pts), and the Tchouameni seized control in the Squad match, with Danny Lorentz (61 pts) showing how it’s done.
SHEARER’S BUNCH OF FLOWERS 6-4 NUSANTARA GAUCHOS
In a bonkers match the reigning champions showed their high-ranking visitors that the Shearers still have sharp edges. The Gauchos also brought their A-game, and the braces from Si Elang Hitam and Rizqi Priandica in the H2Hs would normally be enough to secure victory, but not this week. Danelius (66 pts) led by example with a brace of his own; Pedersen also chipped in with a goal; and the Shearers stepped it up in the Squad match with garlands from LSK (69 pts), FPL Dreamer (65 pts), Jonkeates (62 pts), and Potatoace (60 pts) to seal the deal.
UNBELIEVABLE GEOFF 1-2 PJANIC AT THE DISCO
Panic prevailed over hyperbola as the nervy toe-tappers drew on their squad depth to see off the Unbelievables. Morph (61 pts) did convert in the H2Hs, but the Pjanics hit the groove on the dance floor, with monir (72 pts) and FPL_Scottie (60 pts) doing most to get the crowd going.
SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN! 3-1 KLINSMANN, FPL SECRET SERVICE
Maybe it’s the Government cutbacks, but the Sevens were too good for the misfiring Klinsmann Secret Service. GauravGharge and MAK exchanged goals in the H2Hs, but it was the Sevens who maintained a high press to prevail in a low-scoring Squad match.
NETFLIX AND CHILWELL 1-3 FANGS OF SUAREZ
Two form teams looking to move into contention, and while one limped off injured, the other delivered the extra nip needed to succeed. Honours were even in the H2Hs, with FplToni and FPL Hints exchanging goals, but it was a bloodbath in the Squad match, with Devang Savla (68 pts) and Athul Unnikrishnan (67 pts) doing most to leave the Chilwells drained.
SHELBY COMPANY LIMITED 1-1 BAGGIO TROUSERS
The Shelbys might score points for sartorial style, but it was deadlock on the pitch against their more comfortably attired opponents. The Baggios stole an early march in the H2Hs, with a goal from Recoba and a Werkself clean sheet; and they also had the high score in the Squad match, courtesy of Arsénê Wèngër (70 pts); but the Shelbys had just enough stock to restore parity.
HURRIKANE’S MEAN SON THREE LIONS 1-1 LUCIÓ AND THE VIKING SEAMAN
The Luciós were looking to blow the Hurrikanes away but found themselves becalmed by a spirited rear-guard action. Cak Juris opened the scoring for the home team, and Sam’s clean sheet harboured hopes of a famous victory, but the wind changed in the Squad match and in the end, it was the Vikings who were pressing for the win. Another three points would have done it, but the Hurrikanes deserved a share of the spoils.
RYAN’S RONALDOS 2-1 WERNER BROS
The Ronaldos snapped a three-game losing streak against their illustrious visitors, and maybe impressed some studio chiefs along the way. It was the Werners who delivered the star turns in the H2Hs with a goal from Karaam Tayser, and a clean sheet from FPL_Wahoo (68 pts); but it was a different story in the Squad match, where @Mikxx_gg (63 pts) stole the show with a match-winning performance.
MERCEDES BENZEMA 5-2 GENTLEMAN’S GREALISH
With one win between them in the last six Gameweeks, this was the fixture the Bookies expected both teams to lose; but the Benzemas didn’t get the memo, and this victory was never in doubt. The Grealish did their best to keep up, with FPL A+ and Dan The FPL Fan matching the H2Hs goals scored by Ryan – Football Chatbox and FPL Bharat; but it was different strokes in the Squad match where @kingshaq619 (65 pts) and Alanhooly (64 pts) put daylight between the two teams. Now they both have one win in six.
ZLATAN IBRA-HAMSTER-VIC 6-0 WEAH ROBBEN BANKS
The Zlatans put on a Command performance at the Old Vic, but the Weahs went to the Panto instead. It was a well-rounded performance by the Hamsters, with a brace from Az (60 pts) and a further strike from Vobinho, plus a clean sheet from FPL Hitman in the H2Hs; and three more goals in the Squad match, where Lee Thompson (61 pts) was the top furball.
Not much for the Weahs to take from this match, but Wally Banter (65 pts) and Park_The_Bus (60 pts) scored well in a losing cause.
GARUDA IN COUPE DE MONDE 38 5-0 BRITNEY’S QATAR POUNDER WITH GREAVES
The Garudas cruised to victory in another match that was in the books by half-time. @PHANIEakaPAAK (62 pts) struck a brace for the Garudas, which was supplemented by a further strike from Imran Ramdan, a clean sheet from Tom Stephenson, and another two goals in the Squad match. The Britneys left their top marxman on the bench – sometimes it’s just not your week.
CASH BANDICOOT FC 3-1 BANYANA – BAFANA
The Bafanas’ fluctuating form continued as they cashed out against the Bandicoots. Seb Wassell won the MVP battle against Jon Ballantyne to open the scoring; and while Donna equalised for the Bafanas, they had no answer to the readies brandished in the Squad match, with @FPLHow (74 pts) wielding the biggest wad.
RIMET LEAGUE TABLE
It’s all change at the top again, and it was Zlatan Ibra-hamster-vic who seized the opportunity to be the Christmas Number Ones, and Boris now has a month and a half to brag about it.
Banyana-Bafana drop to second, where they are joined by Lució and the Viking Seaman, but watch out for Fangs of Suarez, who are the form team right now. At the other end, Vuvu Zizou have been cut adrift, and despite their Matchday 13 win, Mercedes Benzema are still the worst of the rest. The Sevens’ recent good form sees them leapfrog Unbelievable Geoff into the giddy heights of 21st place.
PLAYERS OF THE WEEK
With hauls harder to come by this week, the scoring was more modest, but Tim and Bobby Love (both 71 pts) hit the heights in their match-up; and monir (72 pts) went one better. FPLROULETTE wasted his 77-point haul by sitting on the bench, so my top banana for Matchday 13 is @FPLHow with 74 points. The top overall SKLW points scorer is Bill Bremner (865 pts), who cheered up Greyhead no end by knocking Boris Bodega off his perch.
Pingreen wasn’t able to add to his 11-goal haul, but still retains a healthy lead over Mark Mansfield and FF_Thinker (both on seven goals) in the Golden Boot race. PG is the top custodian between the stick with 16 cleans sheets, but Chayuth Wongthongsri (15) is keeping him honest
Well done all.
MATCHDAY 14 FIXTURES
At this stage I would normally preview the Matchday 14 fixtures, and there are some crackers in prospect, but I say let’s take a break. FPL resumes on Boxing Day, but Boris has recognised that SKLW Managers will need extra rest to recover from England winning the World Cup, so we ride again on New Year’s Eve. I will be back with a Matchday 14 review article to pop into your Christmas Stocking.
In the meantime, you can admire your scores, leagues position, and scout your opposition via SKLW Scores 22/23; as well as tracking how your New Year resolutions pan out by accessing Livescores by TopMarx when Matchday 14 kicks off.
Stay safe, and see you on the other side.