It’s been a busy week for the Thought Police; however, there’s no truth in the rumour that Boris has been asked to step back because of his tweets on ‘votes for hamsters’; and the rumours that Greyhead had traded favours with the Chairman of the BBC to finance the SKLW prizes are just scurrilous. On the other hand, I am still available to provide refereeing advice for £7M.
Back in the real world, it’s been another dramatic Double Gameweek, with the midweek matches providing payback for those investing in Brighton/Brentford assets, and late twists in the battle for SKLW supremacy. Some issues got resolved, but with one week to go before the first trophies and qualification for the knockout events are decided, there is still much hanging in the balance. Get ready to oil those derrieres.
RESULTS – JULES LEAGUE
IT’S A WONDERFUL CRUYFF 1-7 QATAR HEROES
It’s been a dog’s life for the Cruyffs, and it was more of the same this week as the Qatars strummed to a comfortable victory. It looked like the home team would be heroes when Schmarn’s early strike was complemented by Swagat Saatpathy’s clean sheet; but the Qatars unleashed hell in the Squad match to secure a much-needed win. It’s the red zone for the not so wonderful Cruyffs, while Qatar Heroes still have a chance to be second rate; however, both will have a say in who wins the league.
THE NEYMAR-LESS ONES 4-1 A. WENGER’S ENDGAME
The Neymar-less produced a Neymar-like performance to maintain top spot and put an end to the Wenger’s diminishing title hopes. It was a goal apiece in the H2Hs, with @fpl’s strike being matched by FPL_DIGGY, but the Neymar-less had galácticos to spare in the Squad match, and are now one win away from the title.
CAFU GOOD MEN 5-0 FONTAINE OF KNOWLEDGE
The verdict is in, and it will be a two-way fight between the Cafus and Neymer-less Ones for the Jules League title. To get there the Cafus needed to outsmart a Fontaine of Knowledge team also vying for Champions League qualification, and succeeded thanks to the depth of their Squad, a H2H strike from Kol3alehadafantasy, and a tiptop performance from PG in goal.
I GERD MÜLLER A PINT 0-4 PETR CECH YOURSELF
The Cechs brewed up a much-needed victory to maintain their Champions League hopes, whilst calling time on the Müller’s title aspirations. FPL Pyscho set the tone in goal, and FPL_ Mihir got the fun going in the H2Hs, and the Cechs also got the last round in the Squad match. The Müller’s now have some time to lick their wounds, but the Cechs will need more of the same next week.
NO KOEMAN NO CRY 0-4 MARADONNA KEBAB
The Koeman were seeking a fourth successive win, and it looked promising, but it all ended in tears thanks to the Ides of March. There was nothing doing in the H2Hs, where Kden FPL and Rey exchanged clean sheets; but it was a Maradonna masterclass in the Squad match, and the two centurions on the bench were barely noticed. One more win is needed by the Kebabs to reach mid-table obscurity.
SWEET 2FA 0-6 KING OTTO’S GRECIANS
There wasn’t much to sweeten the pill in this basement battle, but it was the Grecians who made off with the candy to maintain their hopes of climbing out of the red zone. Fpldeadlyledly set the tone for by keeping the cookie jar sealed; Mark Umeh and FPL ROULETTE delivered early strikes; and the Grecians maintained momentum in the Squad match. Job done.
CAMEROON DIAZ 0-1 HAND OF ZOFF
Cameroon Diaz looked good on the red carpet, but in a heart-breaking finale, it was the Zoffs who were handed the Oscar. It was deadlock in the H2Hs, thanks to strong performances by FPL Disorder and Prakash Chetwani, but it went noir for the Cameroons in the Squad match, where the Zoffs had the extras to secure victory by just two points. It’s B-list roles for Cameroon Diaz from now on, but the Zoffs still have a chance of Champions League qualification.
KLOSE THAN EVER 4-3 KHAN YOU FEEL THE LÖW TONIGHT?
The Khans will be feeling low after having their Champions League hopes closed forever by Klose Than Ever. Spirits were high when a brace from Majestic Chanka, and a strike from Los blancos, got the Khans on the scoreboard, but the Klose’s superior firepower in the Squad match soon took care of that, and Robot Dice closed it out by rolling in a late winner.
FABIO CANNAVARIANCE 3-0 NOT THAT EASY FERGUSO
With Champions Leagues qualification on the line, a spot of flat-track bullying against the basement dwellers should have been just the ticket for the Fabios, but it was never that easy. The Fergusos were unlucky to be edged out in a tight Squad match, and couldn’t quite match the Fabios’ firepower in the H2Hs, where a clean sheet from FPL Spaceman, and strikes from James Owens and Fantasy Football Trout secured a fourth successive win.
NETO THAT HAULAND 1-6 RUUD, WHERE’S MY KAHN?
With the Netos out of title contention, the onus was on the Ruuds to find a Champions League parking spot; and they’re still in contention thanks to a strike from FPL Len (the Ruud one), and a high-octane performance in the Squad match. More of the same will be needed in the final Gameweek; but another performance like this will have the Netos nervously watching the chasing pack.
SILENCE OF THE LAHMS 3-0 SHEIKH’S DAYLIGHT ‘RIBERY’
The Lahms made some noise, and sprang out of the red zone with a minted performance that consigned the Sheiks to a final week shootout for last place. FPL Salah did what his namesake couldn’t to open the scoring for the Lahms; Peleski29 kept the sheep pen secure; and it was lambing season in the Squad match.
MURDER ON ZIDANE’S FLOOR 1-0 SHEIKH, BLATTER AND RAUL
The Sheiks had this one in the bag at half-time, but were left shaken and stupefied by an Estupiñán-inspired Zidanes comeback which secured a Squad match victory by just 5 points. Speedy also stepped it up to rob FPLRobbed in the H2Hs, and Raish’s clean sheet for the Sheikhs will be scant consolation, although another one next week wouldn’t go amiss as they seek to hang onto the final Champions League berth. Victory means that the Zidanes also stay in the fight, which must be an alarming prospect for the Sûreté.
JULES LEAGUE TABLE
The Neymar-less Ones and Cafu Good Men are clear at the top, with the Neymarless currently edging it on goal difference. I Gerd Müller a Pint drop out of title contention, but do at least qualify for the Champions league, however, the rest still have work to do. At the bottom, Not That Easy Ferguso and Sheikh’s Daylight ‘Ribery’ will be battling it out to avoid the ignominy of the wooden spoon.
RESULTS – RIMET LEAGUE
WEAH ROBBEN BANKS 0-3 VUVU ZIZOU
It should have been a home banker but the basement dwelling Vuvus delivered the shock of the round to send the Weahs tumbling out of the Champions League berths. Above Average FPL got the fun started with an above average strike for the Zizous, and the noise level intensified with a stirring second half comeback in the Squad match. Four wins in a row has now lifted Vuvu Zizou out of the cellar. Make some noise.
BRITNEY’S QATAR POUNDER WITH GREAVES 2-0 GENTLEMAN’S GREALISH
In the battle of the ragouts, it was the Britneys that got the gravy as they maintained their efforts to avoid having to reprise last season’s triumph in the loser’s league. A clean sheet from TOMAC, and centuries from the entire Britney squad was too rich for the Grealish; but the Britneys will need more of the same in the final Gameweek. It’s back to the drawing board for the Grealish; however, FPL A+ can look forward to receiving the report card on his goalkeeping performance.
BANYANA – BAFANA 1-2 WERNER BROS
This is another fixture that didn’t follow the script, and despite a goal from Faith; an MVP performance by their MVP, Jon Ballantyne, between the sticks; and multiple hauls in the Squad match, Banyana-Bafana have somehow emerged from this match with nothing to show for it, and their title aspirations severely compromised. The award for the best performer in the Werner Bros team goes to … well, everyone, but I still don’t know how they did it.
CASH BANDICOOT 0-6 LUCIÓ AND THE VIKING SEAMAN
The Viking Seaman came looking for loot, but also came away with the points, which leaves both teams teetering on the edge of Champions League qualification. The Bandicoots were unable to repel boarders, or cope with the marksmanship of Pingreen and The FPL Hangover Podcast; and lucyhighnett won’t need to do any washing this week. Both teams are contenders, but the Vikings have momentum.
GARUDA IN COUPE DE MONDE 38 2-0 BAGGIO TROUSERS
Not much drama in this mid-table clash: @RubyDrama exchanged clean sheets with Bigmabakar in the H2Hs, but the Garudas had a little more under the bonnet in the Squad match. The Garudas won this one, but maybe they’ll meet again in the Greyhead Cup of obscurity.
FC ZLATAN IBRA-HAMSTER-VIC 4-0 FANGS OF SUAREZ
In the clash of titans, it was the Hamsters who provided the bite to skip past their undead title rivals. It was a captain’s performance by lansdelltoby, whose H2H strike was complemented by FPL_RUD, and supplemented by FPL Maldini, who knows a thing or two about keeping clean sheets; and all residual resistance was drained in the Squad match. One more win and it’ll be glory for our furry friends.
MERCEDES BENZEMA 0-4 SON OF A GUN
The Sons didn’t need much more than a mild expletive to see off the misfiring Benzemas who were, again, found wanting in the clutch. It was a smooth ride for the Sons, who can thank Man on Martyn for keeping it tight in the H2Hs, and the 10 centurions who filled their boots in the Squad match, but tougher challenges lie ahead.
RYAN’S RONALDOS 1-3 PJANIC AT THE DISCO
With two successive defeats, and a big deficit at half-time, the Pjanics were reaching for the Prozac, but maybe they found something stronger as they stormed back to achieve a much-needed victory. It was deadlock in the H2Hs, with Ro and k0k5t exchanging strikes; but their Ecuadorian differential delivered the goods for the Pjanics in the Squad match. The Champions League is still a stretch for the Pjanics, but maybe one good adrenaline rush will do it.
HURRIKANE’S MEAN SON THREE LIONS 4-2 NUSANTARA GAUCHOS
It was more like a gentle breeze at half-time, but the HurriKanes raised a second half whirlwind to storm into the final Champions League berth. The Gauchos also had Champions League aspirations, and looked to be on their way with strikes from okkymaulana99 and R. Lufti, and a clean sheet from FPL Robbie, but that just made the HurriKanes extra mean in the Squad match. The HurriKanes sail on, but there’s still one more storm to navigate before they reach port.
SHELBY COMPANY LIMITED 1-0 ONE TCHOUAMENI
There was a late dividend for the Shelbys, and as is the norm, it was a close shave. Victory would have sealed Champions League qualification for One Tchouameni, and they brought their A game, but had no answer to the depth of the Shelby squad, or Zophar’s goalkeeping prowess. Fortunately, they get another chance next week.
NETFLIX AND CHILWELL 3-0 SHEARER’S BUNCH OF FLOWERS
After a promising run, a spring chill has put a dampener on the Shearers route towards Champions League qualification, and the defence of their trophy. Netflix have plans of their own, and they got the streaming going with hits from Ad and FplToni, a spoiler from Lewis between the sticks, and a pre-season finale in the Squad match; all of which leaves them in prime position if the Hamsters slip up. The Shearers will need a win next week, and some help elsewhere, to avoid their season being nipped in the bud.
SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN!SEVEN! 1-1 UNBELIEVABLE GEOFF
The battle to see who will compete with the Zizous for the wooden spoon has now turned into a four-fight following a limp draw that sees the Unbelievables drop into the cellar. You’d think that nbounty’s massive haul would be wasted in goal, but it wasn’t, and Haggis’ strike was sufficient to offset the Sevens’ edge in the Squad match, but the Unbelievables needed more. Catch this match in the silent movie section of Match of the Day, and hope for better news next week.
RIMET LEAGUE TABLE
Zlatan Ibra-hamster-vic lead the way, and it’s their title to lose, but Netflix and Chilwell, Fangs of Suarez, Son of a Gun, and Banyana-Bafana will be ready to pounce if they falter. That leaves six teams, and a couple of pretenders, to compete for the three remaining Champions League slots; while at the other end, Unbelievable Geoff have picked the wrong week to hit rock bottom.
PLAYERS OF THE WEEK
When everyone is somebody, then no-one’s anybody
Gilbert and Sullivan would have had trouble picking a standout player in a Gameweek that served up 407 centurions. FPL Banger exploded for 109 points but didn’t make the podium; nor did richh87 with his 111-point haul. In fact, we need a bigger podium as it has to accommodate Jon Ballantyne, nlbounty, and Schmarn, who are our joint top-scorers with 112 points. The top overall points scorer is elevenify with 1,527, and has his Sheikh, Blatter and Raul teammate, FPL_Jan (1,529) for company in second place. Jon Ballantyne (1,516) also continues to demonstrate his Hall of Fame credentials.
There is less cause for nerves to be frayed in the Golden Boot race, where Pingreen (17 goals) has extended his lead over Rodney McCain and FF_Thinker (both 11), while FPL Noble Gent and FplToni (both nine) complete the Top Five. It’s a bit closer in the battle of the gloves, but Chayuth Wongthongsri (24 clean sheets) still has a handy lead over PG (20), Jon Ballantyne (16), and Kden FPL and Libero FPL (both 15).
Well done all.
MATCHDAY 23 FIXTURES
Jules League
The Neymar-less Ones visit the Qatar Heroes knowing that a win should be enough; however, with a goal difference of four to make up, Cafu Good Men will need a win and a haul when they visit It’s a Wonderful Cruyff. The battle for Champions League slots promises to be a tense affair. The main contenders are Fontaine of Knowledge and Ruud, Where’s My Kahn, who just have to win against No Koeman No Cry and Murder on Zidanes Floor respectively. Sheikh, Blatter and Raul (travelling to Sheikh’s Daylight ‘Ribery’) and Fabio Cannavariance (who visit Hand of Zoff) will also need to win to retain their top eight positions; and if they do, Neto that Hauland, Petr Cech Yourself, and A.Wenger’s Endgame could be facing a nervy final Gameweek. At the bottom, Not that easy Fergusos will need to silence the Lahms and hope that the battle of the Sheikhs goes their way to avoid the wooden spoon.
Rimet League
The winning post beckons for Zlatan Ibra-hamster-vic but they will still need to extinguish Lució and the Viking Seaman’s Champions League hopes to clinch the title; and if they do slip up Netflix and Chilwell (at Nusantara Gauchos), Fangs of Suarez (hosting Ryan’s Ronaldos), Son of a Gun (at home against the HurriKanes), and Banyana-Bafana (away to Weah Robben Banks) will be ready to step in. With only goal difference separating the teams in 6th to 11th place, it will be carnage in the battle for Champions League slots, but Shearer’s bunch of Flowers need to dispatch Unbelievable Geoff, and hope for a favour elsewhere, to maintain the defence of their title. However, the Unbelievables will also need the victory to have a chance of avoiding the wooden spoon.
Don’t forget that there’s no need to fret in ignorance; you can keep track of your pecking order aspirations, and allay your nerves, by accessing Livescores by TopMarx throughout the Gameweek; and then peruse the gory details, and prepare for the knock-out phase, via SKLW Scores 22/23.
I’m off to review my social media policy. Stay safe.