We’re back and what a start it was. In a gameweek that was more explosive than Phil Foden’s bottom, the Son came out; it rained hat-tricks; we all became Archer fans, and VAR continued to be the pantomime villain. Someone also left the window open, so let’s hope that Salah doesn’t get out.
The SKLW community tournament is now under new management – much nicer than the last lot – and this season it’s a meritocracy, with promotion and relegation introduced to hold us to account. Another way to look at it is that with three tiers to negotiate, it will be at least four seasons before Greyhead’s Galacticos will have a chance to win the Premier League.
So let’s get the ball out and see who’s been doing the Haaland shuffle in Matchday 1.
PREMIER LEAGUE
WAN FLEW OVER THE NKUNKU’S NEST 3-2 CAFU GOOD MEN
The Nkunkus were too good for the Cafus and defended their nest in a hard-fought match. The strikers shared four goals, but the game was Wan by the home team thanks to superior nursing in the Squad match. @AshFPLJUICE will probably be having a word with the Manager about 91 points being left on the bench.
OPPENHAMSTER 0-5 EL SIN NOMBRE
El Sin Nombre delivered the street smarts to flatten the furry boffins in their own bunker. A brace in the Head-to-Heads, and three more in the Squad match secured the spoils, and ensured there were no witnesses. Boris Bodega (90 pts) was a bright spark for the Oppenhamsters, but no one else reached critical mass.
SPEARSMINT DINO 3-0 GERD MÜLLER A PINT
Spearsmint Dino delivered a minted performance to leave the Müllers with a three-goal hangover. Spyro Tek (92 pts) led from the front, and Teerth_J (90) was a breath of fresh air in the Squad match.
SON OF A GÜN 3-2 NETFLIX AND CHILWELL
Shots were fired in the Head-to-Heads, but this game was decided in the Squad match where the Gunners prevailed by just eight points thanks to yet more artistry from @Legomane_FPL (90 pts).
BANYANA BAFANA 3-2 FONTAINE OF KNOWLEDGE
The reigning champions kicked off with a home victory. The Fontaines had the know-how in the Head-to-Heads, but Banyana Bafana turned it round in the Squad match with @talha_nadeem_90 (86 pts) leading the way.
FABIO CANNAVARIANCE 1-3 SHEIKH, BLATTER AND RAUL
The Fabios made a bright start thanks to a goal from @FPLEchida (90 pts), and canny support from @MarkuOjala (91), but the Sheikhs made off with the points thanks to a spot of robbery in the Head-to-Heads, and the leadership of @FPLPresident and @Raghy78d (both 91) in the Squad match.
CHAMPIONSHIP
KAHN YOU FEEL THE LÖW TONIGHT 0-2 FC HA LA LAND
It was a can’t do night for the Löws on their first date of the season. There wasn’t much to laugh about in the Head-to-Heads, but FC Ha La Land delivered the punchlines in the Squad match, with @fpl_malaali (91 pts) leading the repartee.
PANDA EXPRESS CDF 0-1 NUSANTARA GAUCHOS
Goals were like an endangered species in this frugal match-up. It was clean sheets all round in the Head-to-Heads, but the Pandas were unable to cash in on @FFJoel’s 97-point haul in the Squad match. The Gauchos had just enough horsepower to ride off with the points, and could even afford to leave @upiLuthfi’s 97-point haul to wilt on the bench.
ONANAS IN PYJAMAS 2-3 CAMEROON DIAZ
The Onanas were put to bed by a Cameroon Diaz team set on regaining their A-list status. @Waj2510 (89 pts) led the way with a brace, and @finnharpsFPL also chipped in on his screen debut to open up a lead that dreams are made of. The Onanas stirred in the Squad match, but it wasn’t enough.
NO FUCHS GIVEN 1-4 MURDER ON ZIDANE’S FLOOR
No Fuchs given were at their nonchalant best and meekly succumbed to the Zidanes’ murderous intent. The Gallic strikers were lethal, but it was @Andycochrane01 (94 pts) who had the best moves.
ONE TCHOUAMENI 0-2 CASH BANDICOOT
Cash Bandicoot had just enough readies to ensure that One Tchouamani came up short. @AndyChatsFPL had plenty to say for himself with a goal and an 86-point return for the Bandicoots
HAND OF ZOFF 1-3 FLOWERS
The Zoffs scented victory with a goal in the Head-to-Heads, but were palmed off by the Florists in the Squad match. Luke Willgoose was the best of the bunch with a 94-point haul.
LEAGUE ONE
SWEET 2FA 3-1 FLYING DUTCHMEN
The Dutchmen were sent flying following an aromatic performance by Sweet 2FA. @fpl_joker was hoping to have the last laugh with his goal in the Head-to-Heads, but the Sweets were mellifluous in the Squad match, with @Lozz_FPL (92 pts) providing the crushed nuts.
NO KOEMAN NO CRY 2-1 MARADONA KEBABS
No Koeman kept their hankies dry thanks to Head-to-Head strikes from @GeorgePircalabu and @LEXXKATZ, and a clean sheet from @THFC_OSKAR. The Maradonas reduced the deficit in the Squad match, but had bitten off more than they could chew.
GENTLEMAN’S GREALISH 2-1 KEANE 16
It was a well-groomed performance from Gentleman’s Grealish, who nullified Keane 16’s challenge in the Head-to-Heads before polishing them off in the Squad match. The aptly named @fplnoblegent set the standard with a 94-point haul.
SHELBY COMPANY LIMITED 2-0 WINNING MENTALITY WANDERERS
It was the home team that had a winning mentality as the Shelby Company combined a sharp edge in the Head-to-Heads, with a killer instinct in the Squad match to serve up a 2-0 victory. @mihdel (95 pts) and Ezra Thompson (91) did most to show how it’s done.
GARUDA CHEERS UP MASVANSA 2022 3-0 IT’S A WONDERFUL CRUYFF
It was three cheers for the Garudas as they served up a comfortable victory thanks to a Head-to-Head strike from @mchptrnto, and some flat-track bullying in the Squad match. For the Cruyffs, it’s back to the Building and Loans to seek further investment.
MARITIM +62 2-1 THE HEROES
@The_Ron_Manager (87 pts) and @ivlevyorke (86) were the early heroes with a goal and a clean sheet in the Head-to-Heads, but events took a villainous turn in the Squad match as Maritim +62 rallied for a narrow victory. Maritim benched their top-scorer, TamaSikumang (86), but just about got away with it.
LEAGUE TWO
RUUD BULLET 3-2 FRED RICE EATER
After sharing four goals in the Head-to-Heads, it was a rude awakening in the Squad match as the Rice Eaters lost by the narrowest of Freds. @PandiRamsey (95 pts) set the standard, but the Ruuds returned fire and secured victory by just two points thanks to Sachin Gulati (92) and Desmund Hui (91).
INTEGRITY IS MBEUMO 5-1 A PLANET WITH NO STARS
The Planet with No Stars managed a twinkle from @FPLEnglish (91 pts) but it was lights out after that as the Mbeumos dominated both the Head-to-Heads and the Squad match. Auditors will have noted that @yIvtwoodpecker (92) led the way, with able support from Dhiren, Daniel Loukachouk, and @iddo_14 (all 91).
THE DEADLY DEADLINERS 1-0 THE NATION OF DOMINATION
Defences were on top in this match-up, with @FPL_DIGGY and @whitebear_fpl exchanging clean sheets in the Head-to-Heads. The absence of deadliness and domination extended into the Squad match, but the Deadliners reached the finishing line just in time to secure a 1-0 victory.
THE NONCHALANT TWENTY2 2-2 THE GALACTICOS
The Galacticos were out in force but the Nonchalants weren’t bothered, and @FPL_Date (92 pts) and @maanche101 (88) took a break from autograph hunting to deliver strikes in the Head-to-Heads. @FPL_JianBatra reduced the deficit for the Galacticos, and @Greyhead19 (89) stirred the troops in the Squad match to avoid an embarrassing defeat.
UNBELIEVABLE GEOFF 4-0 THE GENERALISTS
The Unbelievables pulled rank and delivered a strategic masterclass to bring the Top Brass to heel. The damage was done in the Head-Heads with Phil Dagger (98 pts) thrusting for a brace, Pirlos Pen also chipping in, and a clean sheet from Morph (95). It’s back to Staff College for the Generalists.
LET’S GET READY TO CRUMBLE – BYE
Our aspiring bakers drew the short straw this week, but it does at least allow more time for assertiveness training.
MANAGER OF THE WEEK
With the default Captain score set at 40, it’s surprising that no-one reached three figures this week; however, there were some impressive scores. Morph, mihdel, and @PandiRamsey (all 95 pts) deserve honourable mentions; and bouquets also go to @FFJoel and @upiluthfi (both 97); but this week’s top banana is Phil Dagger with 98 points. Well done all.
As the season unfolds we will follow the battle for the Golden Boot and Golden Gloves as usual; however, we will also be tracking the exploits of the Squad players that rarely get the chance to play up-front, as well as highlighting the Bench players that deserve to catch their Manager’s eye. Hall of Shame tables have also been developed to expose blanking strikers and dodgy keepers. Maybe The Knight’s Template will offer free entry to his mini-league for the winners.
MATCHDAY 2 FIXTURES
With the scent of battle now firmly in our nostrils, here’s what we have to look forward to in Matchday 2.
I thought Boris Bodega liked a spreadsheet, but the new SKLW team have excelled themselves in the provision of important and interesting data. Information on results, league tables, fixtures, individual player details; and the Hall of Fame/Hall of Shame statistics are all accessible here: SKLW Main Sheet
SKLW Managers can also track the progress of their team in real time by accessing Live Scores by TopMarx.
We don’t let them out much, and they’ve become strangers to their families during the past few weeks, so please take a moment to recognise the commitment and hard work of the SKLW team in bringing a community tournament on this scale to fruition. Top Marx, FPL_Panda, FPLTOBES, and Pep Talk deserve a particular mention – these guys have superpowers – and it’s hats off to FPL Ron Manager for pulling it all together.
That’s all for now. I’m off to fret about my FPL squad losing value during the international break. Good luck and stay safe.