Those hoping for a return to calm waters following the traumas of the Double Gameweek were left disappointed as the FPL Gods decided to double down instead. It was a record-breaking week for Free Hits, but it also came at a cost, and content creators will be getting it in the neck for failing to predict Reguilon’s red card. The good news is that Man Utd are appealing his one-match ban.
Points scoring austerity is the last thing SKLW teams need in a last gasp battle for promotion berths, Cup qualification, or to avoid relegation. There were just 10 goals to share around, some scored by players we’d never heard of, and even VAR played its part to screw us over. However, some points were scored, so let’s see who came out on top.
PREMIER LEAGUE
CAFU GOOD MEN 1-2 EL SIN NOMBRE
The Cafus ran out of juice in a must-win match that could have secured their Premier League status. @chill_fpl and @appelsinjuss exchanged strikes in the H2Hs, but the Nombres had the numbers in the Squad match.
GERD MÜLLER A PINT 1-2 WAN FLEW OVER NKUNKU’S NEST
It was a nervous final day for the Müllers, who had their fate in their own hands, but probably a few too many Steiners as well, and it was the Nkunkus who flew off with the points thanks to H2H goals from @PBPProfBear and @FPL-Fran, and the situation-awareness of @UnderstandingF8 (36) in the Squad match. When they sobered up, the Müllers discovered that they’d survived anyway, but perhaps a shift to Bud-lite would be advisable next season.
NETFLIX AND CHILWELL 2-2 OPPENHAMSTER
Oppenheimer might have cleaned up at the Oscars, but it was a Razzie, and the drop, for the Oppenhamsters after they failed to impress Netflix and Chilwell. @FPL_Boris Bodega gave it a go in the H2Hs, and @simply_purwa (34) delivered what passes for a haul in the Squad match; but Netflix strikes from @FPL Toni and @vrecar sealed the Hamsters’ fate.
FONTAINE OF KNOWLEDGE 5-2 SPEARSMINT DINO
It was a final flourish for the already doomed Fontaines, who sent Spearsmint Dino to the beach with a flea in their ear. It was goals all round in the H2Hs, but one-way traffic in the Squad Match, where home know-how secured a comfortable victory.
SHEIKH, BLATTER AND RAUL 4-0 SON OF A GÜN
The Champions-elect have been at the oasis so long they’ve had time to strike oil and drill a couple of Wells, but they still had enough in the tank to leave the Sons firing blanks. @vasman60 and @sertalpbilal notched in the H2Hs, @TorjeHegna kept it clean, and the Squad joined in to run up the score. Can anyone stop them in the Cup?
FABIO CANNAVARIANCE 3-1 BANYANA BAFANA
The Fabios prevailed in the battle for the minor places. @jameso_12 and @fpl_saffer exchanged strikes in the H2Hs, but it was daylight for the Fabios in the Squad match, and a notable scalp against the former champions.
Premier League Table
CHAMPIONSHIP
CASH BANDICOOT 2-1 FC HA LA LAND
After a bit of a stutter in recent weeks, the Bandicoots finally cashed in to secure the championship and consign FC Ha La Land to another season as B-listers. The smart money was deployed in the H2Hs, where @RunsiLFC and @nmsidique made deposits, and @todmod kept them safe. The Ha La Landers did cause a scene in the Squad match, but it wasn’t enough.
FLOWERS 5-1 MURDER ON ZIDANE’S FLOOR
The Flowers wilted some time ago but provided a spring flourish against the equally-doomed Zidanes. Ian Wolfe (37) struck a brace in the H2Hs, and the Zidanes developed rigor mortis in the Squad match, which doesn’t augur well for next year’s rematch in League One.
HAND OF ZOFF HAND OF ZOFF 1-3 CAMEROON DIAZ
Nerves were jangling in the Cameroon camp, who needed the win to secure promotion, while the Zoffs were already on the beach. In a low scoring match where every busted clean sheet and booking was cheered vigorously, and VAR intervened to ensure Bowen blanked, the Cameroons secured just enough appearance points to get over the line. @RyanaldoFPL’s 34-point haul also helped.
ONE TCHOUAMENI 3-0 NUSANTARA GAUCHOS
In the battle for sixth place, One Tchouameni had three too many for the hapless Gauchos. The damage was done in the H2Hs, where @ragavthetwisk and @vartshl were star turns, and @FPL_GUYW nailed it in goal. They also edged the Squad match by a single point.
NO FUCHS GIVEN 2-1 KAHN YOU FEEL THE LÖW TONIGHT
It was a final low for the Löws, and a consolation victory for the already doomed No Fuchs Given, but nobody cared.
ONANAS IN PYJAMAS 1-2 PANDA EXPRESS CDF
The Onanas entered the final day with an outside chance of the Championship, but ended it hanging on to the final promotion berth after being steamrolled by Panda Express. @candu_fpl did the business for the Onanas in the H2Hs, and @Alchim1sT brewed up a clean sheet, but they overslept in the Squad match and had to rely on results elsewhere.
Championship League Table
LEAGUE ONE
SWEET 2FA 2-1 NO KOEMAN NO CRY
No Koeman would have avoided the drop with a victory, and a solid performance (by this week’s standards) in the Squad match augured well, but it all ended in tears as it was the Sweet strikers, @FPLHaul and @fplplannerau, who had the sugar rush.
FLYING DUTCHMEN 0-2 GENTLEMAN’S GREALISH
The Dutchmen would have finished first with a win, but had an Icarus moment against their well-groomed opponents. A clean sheet from @fplfocal, and goals from @bhimrajka.rohan and the Grealish Squad, did the damage, but it’s the Dutchmen who’ll be playing in the Championship next season.
MARADONA KEBABS 1-2 SHELBY COMPANY LIMITED
In a week when we all found out what it’s like to flirt with single-digit scores, @fplblackbox_az banished memories of Gameweek 11 with a goal to secure promotion for the Shelbys. He was ably assisted by fellow striker @dmisuires, and @fpl_leo (31) in the Squad match.
KEANE 16 2-1 GARUDA CHEERS UP MASVANSA 2022
The Keanes took their chance to leapfrog Flying Dutchmen, and add a trophy to their promotion celebrations. The action was in the H2Hs, where @StevePrice82 and David Hewitt (31) both notched, and @ahmad_nazhari struck a consolation for the Garudas.
WINNING MENTALITY WANDERERS 4-1 MARITIM +62
The Wanderers won the basement battle to climb out of the cellar. Maybe not much of a winning mentality, but their strikers, @alfie_kj and @FPLCoachLu should do well in League Two. It was a limp finish for the Maritims, who left their top scorer, @Rizkiinggar, on the bench.
IT’S A WONDERFUL CRYUFF 3-0 THE HEROES
The Heroes flirted with relegation danger, but only @the_cheeky_ness (33) lived up to their name, and they survived thanks to results elsewhere. For the Cruyffs, it was a season of what might have been, but they won this match at a canter thanks to goals from @Hesalovelyboy and Ahmed Gebril.
League One Table
LEAGUE TWO
THE NATION OF DOMINATION 1-0 FRED RICE EATER
It’s been a less than dominating season for the Nation, but fpl_jono (37) lived up the brand in goal, and their bullying just about prevailed in the Squad match. The Freds finished dead last, and will be eating something other than rice for a while.
THE GALACTICOS 0-3 LET’S GET READY TO CRUMBLE
The allure of the Champions League remains a distant prospect for the Galacticos after crumbling against the Bake-off Kings. There wasn’t a soggy bottom in sight as @HinduMonkey (32) and @FPL_Brandon got the party started; there were extra helpings in the Squad match; and @KratosFpl did the tidying up It’s a shame it’s only good enough to secure a 10th place finish.
THE GENERALISTS 0-4 RUUD BULLET
The Generalists were out-manoeuvred by a vastly superior force, and it’s congratulations to Ruud Bullet, who finished with a seven-point margin over the field. It was another workmanlike job by the Ruuds, with a clean sheet from @DonpedroFPL, H2H strikes from @robtfpl and @brigamateur, and further pain in the Squad match. I wouldn’t want to come up against this lot in the Cup.
UNBELIEVABLE GEOFF 1-3 INTEGRITY IS MBUEMO
The Unbelievables finished just outside the promotion berths, but Integrity is Mbeumo can start planning their League One campaign after another impressive victory. @eurofpl delivered a H2H strike for the Mbeumos, but it was their Squad who built up an unassailable lead. @topmarx_fpl struck a consolation for UG.
THE NONCHALANT TWENTY2 2-0 THE DEADLY DEADLINERS
There was no jeopardy in this match, but the Nonchalants won anyway thanks to goals from the Squad and @FPL_Dale, and security from @FPL_Chubbs.
A PLANET WITH NO STARS – BYE
The Planets chose a good week to take a break, particularly as promotion was already guaranteed.
League Two Table
MANAGER OF THE WEEK
Not much to brag about this week. @the_cheeky_ness (33) had a nerve getting into the Top Six with his modest return, but he’s still a Hero. @simply_purwa (Sheikh, Blatter and Raul) and @RyanaldoFPL (Cameroon Diaz) have better causes for celebration than their 34-point hauls; and @UnderstandingF8 (36) knows what it takes to keep Wan Flew over the Nkunku’s Nest in the top flight. However, this week’s joint-top bananas, with an almost respectable 37 points, is Ian Wolfe (Flowers) and @Fpl_jonjo (Nation of Domination). Well done all, I think. Let’s hope it’s not catching.
CUP COMPETITION
There’s no clocking off early in the Strikers Keepers Losers Weepers FPL community tournament, and for most of us there’s an opportunity to make up for a dodgy league campaign by excelling in the Cup. For the best teams – those finishing in the top four – there’s the honour of competing in the elite knockout tournament, cunningly named the First Cup by the SKLW organisers. Those with mid-table finishes get to play the Second Cup, where the games will probably kick off on Thursdays at 5.45pm. The underachievers get to play with each other in the Third-Rate Cup.
For more reliable information, visit the Strikers Keepers Losers Weepers (@OfficialSKLW) on X.
That’s all for another league campaign. You can audit the results, and fuel fantasies about what might have been, via the SKLW Main Site here and by accessing Livescores by TopMarx.
I’m off to start planning for all those doubles in GW34. Stay safe.